Maybe you tried saying no, and now your stomach is in knots. You’re replaying the conversation, wondering if you were too harsh, and now you consider reaching back out to take it all back. If this resonates at all, it doesn’t mean you’re automatically doing it wrong. Feeling guilty about setting boundaries is one of the most common parts of learning to set them.
Why Guilt Shows Up After You Set a Boundary
At a baseline, guilt is the emotion we have that tells us we have done something wrong. This doesn’t mean our guilt is always accurate or acknowledging the whole story. If you've spent years keeping the peace, trying to manage other people's feelings, or putting yourself last, saying no and beginning to set good boundaries breaks an old pattern, and breaking a pattern often feels uncomfortable at first. In previous posts, I wrote about codependency and people pleasing where, similarly, guilt is merely a sign of change rather than a sign of wrongdoing.
What a Boundary Actually Is
As with many things, we can swing to an opposite extreme when we are trying to put something into practice for the first time. It’s very important that I clarify that a boundary isn't a stonewall, a punishment, or a means to control someone else. It's simply a statement of what you will do or won't do, like "I'm not available to talk after 9 p.m” or “I’m not going to respond to your text if you begin calling me names.”
How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt
- Get clear on what you need. It's hard to hold a boundary you haven't identified for yourself. Start by noticing what's wearing on you and what you'd like to be different.
- Keep it short. Over-explaining creates confusion and invites pushback. "I can't make it this weekend, but thank you for asking" can be enough.
- Expect discomfort and sometimes pushback. People used to the old pattern of you always saying yes may react poorly. Their disappointment doesn't mean your boundary was wrong.
- Stay kind and consistent. You can be warm and firm at the same time.
- Start small. Practice on lower-stakes situations before your hardest relationships and circumstances.
Words You Can Use
- "I need to think about it. I'll get back to you."
- "That doesn't work for me this time."
- "I care about you, and I'm not able to help with that right now."
FAQ
Is it selfish to set boundaries? No. Boundaries actually help you show up as a healthier friend, partner, parent, or coworker, instead of one who is running themselves into the ground and growing resentful.
Why do I feel guilty after saying no? Because you're doing something new, and this often creates discomfort while you grow in confidence. The guilt usually fades as the new pattern becomes more familiar.
What if the other person gets upset? They may, and you can care about and empathize with their feelings without removing the boundary. The only part you are responsible for is how you treat them, not for how they react.
Support With Boundaries in Centennial, CO
Setting boundaries is difficult to navigate alone, especially if it's new and in the relationships where it matters most. If you're in Centennial, CO or the greater Denver metro area and looking for a therapist near me who can help, contact us today to schedule a consultation. This is work we love to do because it matters so much.